It Just Hurts

Is this what it's like to deny a call to adopt a child God placed on your heart?

I imagine this post will be similar to ones I've posted before but I'm not going back to read them. This is what is heavy on my heart and I continue to struggle with.

It's no secret, Stellan is still very heavy my heart. If you've been following this blog you already know that when I believe God reveals a child to my heart, I go. I go without hesitation. I step and check, and each time he's prepared the path before me. It really should be no different this time but it is. It is very different and its hard, REALLY hard.

See, if Stellan is meant to be our son, wouldn't God reveal that to Dan too...especially since he is the one reason we have not moved a single step? And yet, Dan isn't feeling called at all!

We have never had this before with adoption. Never. God always brought us onto the same page though He always seemed to speak to my heart 1st. This made it real easy for me to not allow myself the time for thoughts about all the reasons why we shouldn't, all the sacrifices, all the inconveniences, all the 'what ifs,' and hows.

Yet in the situation I'm in now, I have had to ask myself all those questions. I've had to think through this because perhaps somewhere in there was the answer to why this was 't God calling me but me just wanting. And still, I'm left confused and with an aching heart.

Do I feel like I "need" more children? Ummm, no. I don't feel an emptiness or a particular desire to adopt again right now. Is the adoption process fun? Not at all!! Do I want to ensure my inability to EVER sleep in past 7 again? Do I want to keep setting my alarm clock earlier and earlier, perhaps to 5am to get the babies up for school each morning? Do I want to make it more difficult to get in and out of the van or run to the store with multiple kids? No, no, no! I don't.

But when did any of that matter?! I could have been asking myself the same questions adopting any of my other young special needs children. I didn't though. I knew God was calling and we went. I refused to let myself go through all of that because can't we all talk ourselves out of anything He is calling us to do?

So without my husbands agreement and my lack of desire for these things, I try and try to just "move on." But my goodness, I CAN'T!!

I watched A Home for the Holidays where they feature families and children who found each other through foster care. Dan has said that when we adopt again he believes it will be through foster care. I have no real opinion on where our kids should come from. Several times we strongly considered, even began the process to adopt through foster care but God called us to specific children in other places each time. So as I watched this show I thought about adopting from foster care. However, it led me back to those same questions and answers I've been asking myself as I try to talk myself away from Stellan. I have no desire! My heart, though, goes right back to Stellan. I am convinced the only reason can be is because HE is our son. You do whatever is required to care for your children and you are blessed to be a part of their lives. I'm ready and willing to share that with THIS child...because in my spirit I believe God is calling us to.

Today and yesterday 2 local papers ran a story about our family adopting. I hope it touches hearts and God will use to to move others to adopt, we really don't want "it" to be about us. But as I read it ad how there's always room for one more, I began screaming on the inside, "exactly!!" and thought of Stellan. As I read what Dan had been quoted saying about how when its your kid you just go, again inside I screamed, "exactly!!"

All the while, this child, who I believe to be our son, is wasting away in a crib! Our kids don't come to us from great places but Stellan for sure has it THE WORST. We sit here in our comfy homes, warm beds, clean clothes, we over eat, we laugh, hug, play, smile, and he lays tortured with no love or life in a horrific place!

I'm tormented by all of this. Inside I feel like I have temper tantrums, kicking and screaming because my spirit is grieving as I deny my calling to mother this child. And yet again, I have to ask, then why isn't God making it abundantly clear to Dan?? Why?! Why in our spirits are we so darn far away from being in agreement in this?? It hurts so much!!

Surely there is a lesson in this but I sure don't know what it is.

We are sooo thrilled with Alyssa. She fits in perfectly. Marni has some adjustments to work through but overall is doing very well too. Alyssa is by far the easiest addition yet. I'm so grateful for her and I'm not allowing this or anything else to eat away at that...I had just hoped that all this joy would help me to remove or forget this burden on my heart, instead it just reinforces all the blessings that exceed the sacrifices.

And so in my quiet times, or even between the smiles, I grieve. I grieve for this child that I can't imagine my heart ever letting go of.